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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24154258">Minion Quest: Captain Goomba's Uneventful Day</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/YoungMetaWeegee/pseuds/YoungMetaWeegee'>YoungMetaWeegee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mario &amp; Luigi RPG (Video Games), Super Mario &amp; Related Fandoms, Super Mario Bros. (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Action/Adventure, Attempt at Humor, Comedy, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Minions Quest: The Search For Bowser, POV Third Person, Parody</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 19:53:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,206</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24154258</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/YoungMetaWeegee/pseuds/YoungMetaWeegee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>An average day in an underperforming Goomba lackey's life soon becomes a not so average day. Based off the opening of the Minion's Quest mode in the Superstar Saga remake. May or may not be a one-shot.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Go Goomba, Go!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello. Name's YoungMetaWeegee, but if you clicked this, you probably knew this already. Something else you might already have guessed is that this is my first contribution to this site. Hello everybody. It took a bit of time to get this done, but now it is. As stated above, this is an alternative interpretation of the idea of a Goomba lackey trying to reverse a streak of bad luck, and how does it go? Well, only one way to find out.</p><p>Every character here belongs to Nintendo and Alphadream.</p><p>I'm not cool enough to be copyrighted.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Koopa Cruiser, Midnight</em>
</p><p>"Man, this sucks."</p><p>A talking brown mushroom creature locked up in a splintered barrel that had seen better days, leaned up against the 'wall' and pouted. Nothing like some good old-fashioned degradation to end his day. He closed off his eyes and began gritting his teeth.</p><p><em>I lost. </em> <em> Again </em> <em>.</em></p><p>He let out a loud, heaving sigh and looked at his shoes.</p><p>Normally, he'd be more upset, but this wasn't surprising anymore. Now he was just... miserable. And sick of it. Sick of this stupid barrel, sick of this cramped airship, and sick of every little fight with <em>him</em> ending this way-with his face in the mud, bruises on his body and with another tally added to his mental "loss" chart. (This might have been the one hundred and fourteenth time, but don't quote me on that.).</p><p>But whatever. He shook his head. Not like he could do anything about it now.</p><p>Plus, there wasn't anybody worthwhile to vent to. His only other company was another member of the glorious Goomba race, also locked up in a barrel, but this Goomba wasn't his first choice. He was... Well, putting it nicely, kinda 'special'.</p><p>..Oh why not. It'd kill some time.</p><p><em>I'll probably regret this, but...</em> Our first Goomba sighed and spoke up. "Yo, Jared? What's up?"</p><p>From the other barrel, he heard his companion yawning and picking himself up. "Wazzup? It a good morning, ain't it?" Jared responded in an overly naive sprawl.</p><p>Already he regretted his decision. Our first Goomba didn't tell him it was midnight and said, "Oh, yeah. I'm having a great day. Yeah." He cast a sideways glance at the barrel walls. "Real fun getting stomped. You know. Again." The Goomba did a fake chuckle and slumped down.</p><p>"Hey man, look on the bright side."</p><p>Goomba 1 arched his eye.</p><p>"It was fun. I learned something. Got educated a lil bit."</p><p>"Really," said Goomba 1.</p><p>"Hell naw." Jared chuckled. "Mean plumber boy hurt me."</p><p>"Yeah, me too."</p><p>"What, you thought I like that?"</p><p>"Well..."</p><p>"That stupid. And you know me. I ain't no stupid boy."</p><p>Goomba 1 chuckled.</p><p>"You know who stupid tho? The other Mario."</p><p>Pause.</p><p>"The green one. You know what he told me?"</p><p>Pause.</p><p>"He told me 'There's candy in this barrel.'"</p><p>"Really."</p><p>"But guess what? There ain't no candy in this barrel."</p><p>"Mmn."</p><p>"He need to get his eyes checked."</p><p>"So we agree?" said the first Goomba, again deciding not to put 1 + 1 together for him. "I got a cool idea, Jared. Maybe we could like.." he hesitated a bit. "Uh.. band together next time. You know, strength in numbers and all that."</p><p>The creaking continued. Goomba 1 slid back on his legs and awaited a response. He didn't get one.</p><p>"I mean," sighed the Goomba, "It's an idea, I guess..</p><p>Dead air. Goomba quivered. er, not a great one or anything, but that's what the whole 'spitballing' process is there for, right?.." His voice trailed off. "Look, I just want to beat Mario. Like, once. That's all I need. Don't even care how."</p><p>More silence.</p><p>"...That's funny," responded Jared a few seconds later.</p><p>"...What is?" asked the first Goomba.</p><p>"Beatin' Mario." Jared snickered again. "That sound stupid. We can't do that stuff."</p><p>Goomba 1 clicked his tongue. "I mean, not with that attitude-"</p><p>"Not with any attitude," scoffed a third voice. Both of the Goombas recognized it as the Green Koopa who got stuck with 'barrel duty.' Nice guy, spent most of his time fiddling with his iPhone though.</p><p>"Dude," scoffed Goomba 1. "I didn't ask."</p><p>"Easy there, buddy," said the Koopa. He put his iPhone down and turned to the barrels. "I'm just saying. Killing Mario would be boss. Y'know, making him bleed all over the ground. Break his kneecaps. Rip out his intestines and watch him gasp for air-"</p><p>"Okay, uh, I wouldn't go <em>that</em> far-"</p><p>"BUT it's not happening," said the Koopa, talking over Goomba 1. "It CAN'T happen," he continued, more sullenly.</p><p>"Yeah, I know, it's an uphill fight... y'know, low... super low... Chance we win..." Goomba 1's voice trailed off. "But you haven't even heard my plan yet, it's awesome-"</p><p>"Dude, look at us. We kinda suck," said the Koopa.</p><p>"Bit harsh."</p><p>"Like, we're scrawny-"</p><p>"Yeah-"</p><p>"Can't jump very high-"</p><p>"Jamal, I'm aware of-"</p><p>"We have no weapons-"</p><p>"Correct..."</p><p>"And you guys don't even have arms-"</p><p>"<em>I know</em>."</p><p>"Hey, easy, easy."</p><p>"Yeah," said Jared. "It sucks. Got boogies I need to pick man."</p><p>"Jared, shut up. <em>Please</em>. ...Where I was I again?..."</p><p>Jamal scratched his head. "Uh.. oh right-And Mario... HE can jump super high-"</p><p>"No doy."</p><p>"He's swole. Real swole."</p><p>"Y-Yeah, dude's ripped."</p><p>"He can throw fireballs-"</p><p>"Yes, I've... seen him do that-"</p><p>"He has a magic star thing that makes him invincible-"</p><p>"I-I know-"</p><p>"And he doesn't even have a problem with Bowser-oh sorry, <em>Lord</em> Bowser-."</p><p>"Okay. You've made your point," the Goomba said.</p><p>"But please, enlighten me. Tell me your amazing plan."</p><p>Goomba opened his mouth and shut it right back. "I'm... still working on it."</p><p>"Maybe we could get us some machine guns," Jared piped in. "Then he won't be Mr. Tough guy no more. He'd be all like, 'It's-a me, Mario-AAAAHHH, bro, put that-a machine gun down, we can talk-a, there's a Zupas right across the street-a!'- and then we Rambo his ass. Goomba: First Blood." Jared started making obnoxious machine gun noises with his mouth.</p><p>Jamal folded his arms. "And how are you gonna pull the trigger?"</p><p>"Easy, I just pull up and use my h... Aw yeah, you right. Hell, I can't even afford no machine gun." Jared quietly fumed. "I'm broke, boy."</p><p>"Not saying that wasn't a cool idea. <em>I'll</em> just be the one drawing first blood." The Koopa pictured Mario riddled with bullet holes and him being celebrated as a god amongst his fellow Koopas and started laughing like he came out of an 80s cartoon.</p><p>Goomba 1 didn't listen much. He refused to believe it couldn't be done. Like, there had to be a way. Because he knew he wasn't gonna take being crushed in the ground AGAIN. Mario had to have <em>some</em> Achillies' heel.</p><p>Some loud, distant thudding rudely interrupted his thoughts, which Jared and the Koopa also heard. The latter whipped around.</p><p>"Hey, what was tha..." Jamal's expression sank. "Aw, crap..."</p><p>They were coming closer, and now they could hear some aggressive-sounding death metal instrumental (turned up way too loud) as 'the man' himself hit the scene. Bowser's prized (at least in his own eyes) bully of a son, Roy Koopa, holding a Bluetooth speaker. Also present were Bowser's only daughter, Wendy O. Koopa, and their odd-one-out, not very deadly middle brother, Iggy, who followed in their brother's footsteps.</p><p>Roy walked up to the barrels and turned off the speakers. He looked at the Koopa and his look of terror.</p><p>"Relax," he said. "I'm not here to beat your ass. I'm just here to see if you're done unloading the barrels." He motioned towards Wendy and Iggy. "Just ignore these losers, I don't even know why they're here."</p><p>"Dad made us check on the barrels too, idiot," said Iggy. "You think I'd go anywhere with you if I had a choice?"</p><p>Roy ignored him and looked at the barrels for a half-second. "Looks good, bye guys." He headed back to the deck. Midway through, he stopped and turned back. Devilish idea. Beautiful, devilish idea.</p><p>"Hey y'all," he said with a stupid grin, "Check this out."</p><p>"Hmm?" asked Wendy, sitting on Goomba 1's barrel. Likewise, Iggy and Jamal didn't acknowledge his statement and faced away.</p><p>Roy kicked over Goomba 1's barrel like a trash can. He heard the first Goomba rattle inside and grunt in pain numerous times.</p><p>"OW! What was that for?!" said Goomba 1.</p><p><em>Oh man I'm bad</em>. Roy couldn't help but laugh at his "hilarious" gag, but he regained his composure before he got too carried away. "Hey, Goomba trash!" he yelled. He folded his arms and listened to Goomba 1's moaning.</p><p><em>Hah, Goomba trash! I'm so funny</em>, thought Roy. (He wasn't a very funny person.)</p><p>Anyways, our little trailer trash turtle stuck his foot back. "How ya doin', buddy boys? How dem barrels feel, hmmm?"</p><p>Roy kicked Jared's barrel and broke into another laughing fit. Iggy cringed and turned away, and Jamal looked bored.</p><p>"Hey, I asked you losers something," Roy told Jared.</p><p>"Huh?" Jared snapped to attention. "Oh, you talkin' to me?"</p><p>"Yeah, retard."</p><p>"Oh okay." Jared cleared his throat and dropped silent for a few seconds.</p><p>"...I'm listening."</p><p>"...I don't talk to suckas, boy!"</p><p>You couldn't see it under the shades, but Roy's eyes narrowed something fierce. Jared started laughing. Wendy started laughing too. Roy folded his arms again.</p><p>"Get it, boy? You a sucka-"</p><p>"SHUT UP! YOU-YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT!" yelled Roy. Visibly fuming, he sat on the floor and shook his head. He tried to come up with a clever retort but came up empty-handed.</p><p>"Gotem," Wendy whispered to Iggy and the Koopa. They shrugged.</p><p>"B-But-" Roy sputtered. "What do you guys even do? You guys just try to walk into Mario and then he beats your ass, right?"</p><p>"Yeah, well," said Jared, "once I get that machine gun, the tables shall turn."</p><p>Roy ignored him. "You guys are lames."</p><p>"I'd say the guy picking on those underneath him is the real lame," said Iggy. "But I already knew that. Everyone here already knows that. I just hope you do."</p><p>Roy brushed him off with a lame laugh. "Yeah. I know I'm awesome. And YOU are a pussy loser. But I already knew that. Everyone here already knows that. I just hope you do." He shook his head. "Nerd."</p><p>Iggy sighed. "Sure." He threw his hands up and went to the wall.</p><p>"I mean, he ain't wrong," Wendy piped in. "Like, that's pretty harsh bro. Plus, well, they're just Goombas, ease up on them a bit. You've already got it so much better than them, y'know? Again, they Goombas. They weak and cute and stuff, they can't help it, it's in their nature. And they're pretty cool. Like, I don't wanna get in a whole corny 'Care for your fellow man' spiel here, but maybe do that?"</p><p>"Thank you for that..." said Goomba 1 from inside his barrel. "I guess..."</p><p>"No problem," said Wendy, hopping off the barrel and walking to the support pole. "And for what it's worth, I like you guys. I really do," she continued, lowering her voice so Roy didn't hear her.</p><p>"Damn, I got sidetracked there," said Roy. "My point is, why? Why is it necessary?"</p><p>"What, you bullying us?" said Goomba 1.</p><p>"Nah, keeping you worms around," said Roy. "But since we've got a <em>comedy man</em> here, I'll humor you. I bully you cause you and your worthless kind are so easy to laugh at. At least that loser watching over you guys. At least he has arms to hurt people. But you? You have NOTHING. You're literally dead weight. You're worth less than those crappy barrels you're in. You've got nothing. You ARE nothing. Your existence is an insult! You're an oxygen thief! You steal oxygen from those more worthy of life!" He was practically spitting the words out now.</p><p>Wow. Goomba 1 winced; Roy did this a lot, but he'd never stooped <em>that</em> low. He took a few deep breaths. He felt a tear rush up to his eye, and for once he was thankful for the barrel.</p><p>"Well, I.. I'm sorry you... Feel that way..." he tried to sound self-assured, but his voice cracked a little.</p><p>Meanwhile, Wendy, Iggy and the Koopa watched their brother in disgust. Sure it was their job to be evil, but this was low even for Roy. None of them wanted to get caught up in this though.</p><p>"..No, dude. No," said Iggy.</p><p>"Uh, heh, heh, let's change the subject, why don't we?" said Jamal. "Like, uh... what if we had our own games? I know what I'd want in Super Jamal Bros. You guys interested?"</p><p>Roy ignored him again. "Anyways, I'm totally all Bowser's ever gonna need."</p><p>"But you've never beaten Mario... Like, ever," said Wendy.</p><p>"Yeah? You haven't either, <em>princess</em>. 'Sides, ya boy got a whole new idea. Trust me, this one flips the <em>whoole</em> game around," said Roy, rubbing his hands together.</p><p>"You're gonna slam the floor, try to punch him, maybe try to breathe fire on him and watch as he leaps over you and crushes your head," said Jamal.</p><p>"...No. That's… not it. That's… the exact opposite of… my…"</p><p>"Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Honestly, I didn't have much of a plan either." Wendy waved her arm to calm down the musclehead. "Losing to him's almost like, our thing now. It kinda sucks."</p><p>Roy glared at her. His fists clenched. Then they unclenched, and he dropped the menacing expression. "Yeah," he mumbled. "Kinda does." He forced a bulge down his throat, disgusted at the idea of agreeing with his sister on anything.</p><p>"Why do Bowser and Mario even fight so much anyway," Iggy broke in. "And why does dad need the Mushroom Kingdom so much? And why do we have to get involved. Am I just not old enough to get it?"</p><p>"Heard that, bro. Make peace, not war." Wendy leaned back on the support pole and flashed the others a peace sign.</p><p>Roy rolled his eyes. "Yeah, see how far that hippy crap takes you. But as for ME? I just got a lil feeling. Today…" Roy leaned in and folded his arms. "... will be the day. Trust your boy on that." He stood back up and nodded.</p><p>Iggy sniggered. "Hey, uh, you remember we're not fighting Mario today, right?" He laid his arm across the silver armrest and continued sniggering.</p><p>Everyone looked confused.</p><p>"Oh!" Jamal snapped his fingers. "Yeah, that's right! He and his... Uh... his weird green brother? What's his name again?"</p><p>He looked at everyone else, but they only produced shrugs.</p><p>"Shucks. Anyways, get this-they're actually banding up with Bowser! So I heard, anyways." The Koopa snorted. "Man, Mario and Bowser. And greener Mario. Imagine that." He laughed. "I give them a few hours."</p><p>Roy slumped on the boarded floor and stared at the ground. "Damn."</p><p>"... Damn, this is great?" said Iggy. "We don't need to fight them, and we have two strong allies for... Uh, whatever we're doing today." He turned to Wendy. "Do you know?"</p><p>"Hell if I know. Thought we were kidnapping Peach again." Wendy sighed. "Crazy how she never listens to me. I keep telling her 'It's not my fault, dad gives me money for this'. But she never wants to hear me out. Wonder what her <em>deal</em> is."</p><p>"Well, we kidnap her... like, every other day..." said Iggy.</p><p>"Oh yeah."</p><p>"Hey, remember when we got that giant cake and trapped her inside?" said Iggy.</p><p>Wendy snorted. "Classic."</p><p>"Yeah, Ludwig did great on that one."</p><p>"He really makes us look like losers," said Wendy. "Almost as much as Mario does.."</p><p>"IGGY, you don't get it." Roy sighed and put his hand on his head. "Look, I was READY this time. Man, I was up all night perfecting my…. Y'know, 'PAINDAY' techniques."</p><p>He swung his left arm to demonstrate. "I was gonna beat him this time. I HAD to. It was THE day. The stars were practically aligning! It's… badass problems you won't get. 'Cause you aren't one. But no matter. One of these days,<em> it shall happen</em>. And this revolution shall be televised."</p><p>"Shall <em>not</em>," said Jamal.</p><p>Roy stared at him. "Are you defying the people's champion?"</p><p>"The revolution shall <em>not</em> be televised. That's how it goes." Jamal corrected him without missing a beat.</p><p>Roy furrowed his brow. "No... I'm pretty sure it's "shall be televised-</p><p>He stopped mid-sentence and made a face like he bit into a lemon.</p><p>"'Badass problems'. That's a new one," muttered Iggy.</p><p>That rubbed Roy the wrong way. "On the bright side…" Roy stepped to his bro. "I can still take out my frustration…"</p><p>Iggy soured up. He knew what he meant.</p><p>"Get it, bro?" Roy grinned. "You know what I-"</p><p>"Yes," Iggy interrupted. "I.. I got it. I… I'm aware of the… message you're trying to send me. Yep." Iggy looked down at the floor. "Why do you even bully me so much," he mumbled.</p><p>Unfortunately for him, Roy overheard him. "Let me think about that."</p><p>"Think about what?..." Said Iggy.</p><p>Roy pretended to think for about seven-ish seconds. When Iggy leaned in closer, Roy socked him in the face; he fell on his back like a ragdoll.</p><p>"'Cause it's fun." He pumped his fist like a shotgun.</p><p>Iggy didn't get up.</p><p>"...I think you knocked him out, Roy," said Wendy.</p><p>"...Yeah, that's... what I was trying to do."</p><p>Wendy peered at her brother. "You broke his glasses."</p><p>Roy grinned. "<em>Awesome</em>."</p><p>"Wait…" asked Goomba 1. "Hey Jamal?"</p><p>"What's up?"</p><p>"If Mario is on our side… Why'd you encourage him to beat us up?"</p><p>Jamal shrugged. "Bowser told me to keep you guys in the barrels."</p><p>"...He did? B-But… why?"</p><p>"...It's not obvious? No?….Bowser thinks you guys are jokes. He just keeps Goombas around for laughs. He literally told me, 'throw them in the barrels with rest of my crap.' Sorry man."</p><p>"It's fine…" Goomba 1 choked up a bit. Well, that explained so much. Way, way too much.</p><p>"Look, that's what BOWSER thinks. Not ME. You know me. You're one of my bros! You guys are great company-"</p><p>"Oh my god," said Roy. He pointed to the green Koopa. "Yo guys, check it out, Jamal talks to Goombas." He pointed and kept laughing at the Koopa. Nobody else laughed.</p><p>"Hey guys!" A frantic, distant voice chimed in, piquing everyone's interest. Even Roy stopped laughing and turned to the walkway. A Red Koopa ran up to the group, panting like he just ran a marathon. Naturally, everyone assumed he had something important to say (because people who enter the scene out of breath/in a rush always have something important to say) and looked at him with rapt attention.</p><p>"Oh, you guys still here?" The Red Koopa paused for air. "G-Great. We-We've been hit. BAD." He stretched out the D part and spread his arms for emphasis.</p><p>"...We've been attacked?" asked Wendy.</p><p>"Y-Yes, exactly."</p><p>Most everyone either gasped, did a double-take, or both.</p><p>Roy perked up and got into a combat pose. "Awesome. Looks like your boy's gonna see some action after all. Heads <em>will</em> roll. Just show me the way, brotha!" Roy punched his hand into his open palm as if his message wasn't obvious enough.</p><p>The Red Koopa wasn't there to see it. He was too busy putting on a parachute. "Oh… yyyeah. I'm afraid it's too late for that."</p><p>"...They won without me?" asked Roy.</p><p>There was a following uncomfortable silence that lasted around 5 seconds.</p><p>"Not exactly." The Red Koopa started opening the escape hatch.</p><p>About then, everybody noticed the smoke, and his statement made much more sense.</p><p>"..Hey, uh, that chute you have? Yeah, do you have any more of those?" asked Wendy.</p><p>The Red Koopa pursed his lips. "Last one." He let that sink in a minute, long enough for everyone else to go wide-eyed.</p><p>"C'mon then!" Roy took a step towards the Koopa. "Give me the goddamn chute! My life's way more important than yours!"</p><p>The Red Koopa stood still and returned Roy's glare for about 3 seconds.</p><p>"No." Before anybody could object, the Red Koopa leaped off the ship.</p><p>"...You <em><span class="u">bitch</span></em>!" Roy yelled at the air.</p><p>"Stone cold," chuckled Wendy.</p><p>The ship started leaning over, reminding everyone why that Red Koopa jumped.</p><p>"Fuck y'all, I'm jumping!" yelled Roy. And he did. Jamal and Wendy looked on in equal amounts admiration and shock as the fearless Koopaling dove out face first.</p><p>"Wow, uh, he actually did it." Wendy scratched the back of her head. "Well, uh, I definitely can't do that." And she was right, she wasn't exactly the freak of nature her brother was, so she needed a new option.</p><p>"Uh… my shell hasn't failed me yet…" Wendy ducked into her protective shell.</p><p>Jamal shifted his eyes back and forth. He didn't have a sturdy body or a spiky shell. "C-Can I get in that shell w-w-with you? Please?"</p><p>No response.</p><p>"...Oh god that sounds so awful. Not at all what I meant! Oh god oh god oh god-" he looked at his surroundings again and again, hoping maybe he missed something the first 5 or so times. His eyes landed on Goomba 1's barrel.</p><p><em>Will I even fit in there?</em> He paused, shook his head and looked for a different hiding place. Just as he started looking around, a giant explosion rattled the ship and threw him backwards with a grunt.</p><p>Ooof. That one was a doozy. He groaned and picked himself back up, head still spinning. "Damn!" He shook his head and dove for the barrels.</p><p>"Get me outta this damn barrel!" wailed Goomba 1. "I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"</p><p>"SORRY MAN! I DON'T WANNA DIE EITHER! PLEASE MAN, YOU GOTTA LET ME IN!"</p><p>"You're gonna crush me, man! <em>Hell</em> no!"</p><p>Before the <em>argument</em> could escalate, the ship started tipping and the cargo too.</p><p>"Well, it was nice knowin' y'all," said the Koopa in what barely amounted to a whisper. He ducked on the floor and put his hands over his head.</p><p>One final, intense explosion rang from the ship, this one blasting a huge fireball through the ship. Finally, the Cruiser went down, taking all the flaming and screaming minions that failed to get off in time with them. This explosion also knocked off Jamal, who let out one final bloodcurdling scream before vanishing below. Goomba 1 never saw him, but he sure as hell heard 'im, and it didn't ease his panic.</p><p>After his scream faded into nothingness, Goomba 1 was left with nothing but his own thoughts.</p><p>
  <em>So this is death, huh?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>...</em>
</p><p>
  <em>...Well, it's not what I thought it'd be. </em>
</p><p>Indeed it wasn't. He fthought he'd be more scared. Well, he was a tiny bit. But he mostly just accepted it. He waited for the memories to hit him. They never came.</p><p>
  <em>Good, less distractions.</em>
</p><p>He closed his eyes and tensed his body, thinking back to some meditative videos he'd watched a while back. He held his breath for 10 seconds and exhaled, releasing his bad energy in one final breath...</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>SOME MINUTES LATER...</strong> </em>
</p><p>Even though it felt never-ending, the fall did eventually end. The barrel started crashing and bumping across various objects, and the Goomba felt every bit as the impacts hurled him across the barrel.</p><p>"Ohhh..."</p><p>It proved too much, and the Goomba drifted into unconsciousness.</p><p>...</p><p>
  <em>What.. Happened...</em>
</p><p>... ...</p><p>
  <em>Everything's so... Quiet...</em>
</p><p>...</p><p>After an eternity (or closer to several hours), the Goomba's eyes reopened. His senses started to regrow, and with that came the pain. His head was spinning, his vision came in and out of focus, and there was probably blood in his mouth.</p><p>
  <em>H...heaven?</em>
</p><p>No, couldn't have been. His injuries probably would have been patched up.</p><p><em>My... My head...</em> Goomba grimaced and tried to look around, but his body felt chained to the ground. He exhaled. Best as he could tell, he was in a musty, dank cave with almost no light inside.</p><p>
  <em>I'm... I'm not dead.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>...</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That's cool. I guess.</em>
</p><p>He tried moving his head again, and this time he made some progress. As his mind cleared, everything started coming back.</p><p>"Oh yeah," he murmured. "Bowser hates me and my species. Mario and that other green guy beat me and my barrelmates up. I got locked in a barrel. Again. Roy... bullied me. Again." His throat locked up a little. "And someone or something destroyed Bowser's ship and sent me here."</p><p>Not that he expected a response, but he still let his words hang for a few seconds. All he heard was the water dripping from the stalagmites and his voice echoing off the walls.</p><p>"Yeah, that sums it up. I live a blessed life, don't I... wait..." He looked across the cave. "I'm not in a barrel anymore." A smile broke on his face. "What happened to..."</p><p>He looked underneath him and noticed the barrel splinters for the first time. "Ahh..." Then he noticed his leg, trapped in a branch.</p><p>Turns out he wasn't on the floor. He was upside down a foot or so above it.</p><p>Well, that was a pleasant surprise. He wasn't conscious to see it, but when he got thrown out of his barrel, his leg got tangled in that branch before he could hit the rocks. Great thing too. He knew if he hit the floor, he'd probably have gotten a concussion. He shook his leg free and fell on his face.</p><p>Ow. He hopped up, landed the right way this time.</p><p>"Much better. Good and alive..."</p><p>
  <em>Alive... Alive... Alive...</em>
</p><p>The word rebounded in his head, til it hit him. He was alive. By dumb luck, he was here, breathing. Bruised, battered, and not in the best condition (or mood) of his life, but alive.</p><p>He took another deep breath. Wow.</p><p>...</p><p>...</p><p>Yeah, probably a good time to leave. Was there an exit? He swiveled his head and saw it. In the corner of his eyes he saw a blinding flash of light; he had to close his left eye to keep it out.</p><p>"Damn, I was out that long?"</p><p>He shook his head, scuffed his feet and walked to the entrance.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>Hoohoo Mountain Summit Cave, Outdoors</em>
</p><p>Turns out that light wasn't the sun; it was just a lamp near the cave entrance. It was still dark out. He still hissed and partly closed his eyes. Being locked up in a barrel for hours would do that to you. He noticed he was on the far side of a cliff.</p><p>He didn't know it yet, but he was standing on Hoohoo Mountain. An enormous mountain on the northwest side of the Beanbean Kingdom. Known for its blazing weather, rocky cliffs and abundant sparkly waterfalls.</p><p>He was snapped out of his thoughts by a loud 'whooshing' sound above him.</p><p>"Hey, do you mind... Wait, who is that... Is that..."</p><p>He looked up just in time to see a large, powerful, kingly figure flying above him. One that looked oddly… familiar.</p><p>His eyes widened. "B-Bowser?! Holy-"</p><p>He remembered. <em>Oh yeah.</em></p><p>He looked at the sky again. Maybe he could save him. He'd have to crash soon, and he'd definitely need some help...</p><p>"Save him? Nah, I'm just part of his 'useless crap'. He can save his own ass." Wow, that helped. Came out of nowhere. But even as he calmed down, he didn't regret those words. Only thing he regretted was never saying it to his face.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>SOMETIME LATER...</em> </strong>
</p><p>As beautiful a sightseeing spot as that cliff was, he couldn't stay there forever. And really, it was. Almost enough to make him forget why he was here. He wanted to just admire the sights a little more. But that wasn't an option. Goomba turned and walked to the entrance.</p><p>"So... what now?"</p><p>Good question. He still didn't know where he was, much less which direction would lead to familiar ground; for all he knew, he was on the opposite side of the planet. He could try to find the other minions, but A: He had no idea where they were, B: He didn't even know if they were alive, and C: He was supposed to be going AWOL.</p><p>Alternatively, he could go back inside the cave and wait for someone to find him, but it didn't look like this area was very populated.</p><p>That left one option. Just walk in one direction and see what happens.</p><p><em>What the hell,</em> he thought. Wasn't ideal, but so much better than the alternatives.</p><p>No sense wasting time. He picked himself up and started walking to the east, on his brand new life with no barrels, no Mario, no Koopa family and no inter ranks drama.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>FEW MINUTES OF WALKING LATER...</em> </strong>
</p><p>He was really getting into this actually. Nobody was on the cliff but him. He didn't even see any bugs. And now that it was sunrise, he could see some of the scenery beyond the mountain, and it was quite a sight. It reminded him of his walks back at home. The thought gave him a lil bubbly feeling inside. He could get used to this.</p><p>It didn't last. Just two minutes later, he heard footsteps. He froze in place and stared at the source, some weird, oval-shaped bean thingy.</p><p>"Wow, there's someone else here?" The Goomba muttered to himself. "Looks kinda ugly, but..." It wasn't until the words left his mouth that he realized he might have spoken a little too loudly. "Crap." He closed his eyes and prayed. Maybe if he was lucky, he didn't hear it at all.</p><p>"Fuck you say to me, Shroom Boy?"</p><p>He wasn't lucky. Goomba swore and turned to the bean thingy. Oh lord, he was pissed. And several feet closer than he was before.</p><p>"I-I didn't say nothing. H-Honest!" Goomba babbled.</p><p>"Why you gotta lie, shroom-face? I heard you call me an ugly-ass mofo." Now he was straight up seething, and the bean was so close now that Goomba could swear he felt the steam coming out his nostrils.</p><p>"But... Okay, fine, I <em>did</em> call you ugly. And I'm sorry. That was rude, I shouldn't have said that out loud. We good?"</p><p>"Naw bruh, we ain't 'good.' Stupid-ass shroom headed motha-."</p><p>"Okay, OKAY. PLEASE, calm down-"</p><p>The green bean dashed at him and rammed into his face with his body.</p><p>"OW! Hey! Why'd you do that-"</p><p>The bean did it again, harder this time.</p><p>"OW! What's your problem, asshole?" yelled Goomba.</p><p>"What's YOUR problem, fucko? Yous an ugly ass hoe bitch, and you call me ugly? Hearin' it from others is one thing but from another fucking bean thing? THAT'S where I draw the line, mother-fucker!"</p><p>Okay, limited vocabulary aside, that kinda struck a chord.</p><p>"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way-"</p><p>"You sorry? Well, I'm sorry YOU fucking exist! Yeah-Yeah, that right boy, I ain't fuckin' 'round no more! Know what I'll do? I'll knock yo ass out!" He started circling the Goomba.</p><p>"Oh, you'll knock me out, huh?!" Goomba did the same.</p><p>"I'LL KNOCK YOU OUT!"</p><p>Well, that did it. Goomba's body went full autopilot. Before he knew what he was doing, he sprinted towards the bean and sacked him as hard as he could, sending him flying three meters and collapsing on his back.</p><p>"Are you happy now, fuckface?" yelled Goomba. He continued panting, anger draining by the second.</p><p>"Hey, what the fuck was that? You cheated!" The bean hopped back on his feet and ran in place angrily.</p><p>Well, no way around it now, they'd have to fight. Goomba stopped marveling at his strength and did the same.</p><p>Truth be told, he only really knew how to fight Mario. Was this really the best idea?</p><p>...<em>No, I have to do this. If I ran away, I'd just prove everyone right about Goombas. I'd kill my Goomba pride and everything. I have to do this. Man, I hate Goomba pride. What did I learn from Goomba training again?</em></p><p>
  <em>...</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Goomba Training, Day 1</em>
</p><p>"Alright cadets, listen up!" yelled Lord Bowser. "Y'all signed up to be part of the glorious Koopa Troop for one unified cause. And what is that cause?" He turned to his troops.</p><p>"Kill Mario!" he thundered.</p><p>"Wait, really? One of us could kill Mario? You mean it?" asked one of the young Goombas.</p><p>Bowser nodded. "You know what-sure. Put your heart to it-or something. I think that's what Oprah would say," he mumbled.</p><p>"Anyways. You guys don't have any arms, correct?"</p><p>Nods and groans all around.</p><p>"Yeah. That sucks. You can't use utensils. You can't open shelves, you can't even play Minecraft or whatever's hot with the kids these days. But you know what you do have?"</p><p>Bowser scribbled a crude drawing of a Goomba walking into Mario. "You can walk… and tackle… and bite things, I guess. So there's your combat strategy. Just walk into Mario. Yes, even if there's a cliff. Okay, class dismissed, go practice on each other or something."</p><p>Bowser crumpled the paper, threw it in the trash and left.</p><p>...</p><p><em>So I learned... a lotta crap. Of course. But I'll still need</em> some<em> strategy…. </em></p><p>
  <em>...Or I could just bash into him forever.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>….Bashing's easier.</em>
</p><p>Yeah, he might as well just keep bashing. It was doing fine so far.</p><p>The bean creature leaped towards the Goomba; the Goomba flipped his body and kicked him to the floor. Bean guy crashed on the ground and spit out a tooth.</p><p>Goomba looked at his body. He looked at the bean, several feet away, spitting blood.</p><p>
  <em>Woahh... I'm doing it. I'm actually doing it!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Now, I would like to say this was a battle to end all battles. Y'know, the type of battle that gets passed down to generation after generation of Marioverse citizens. In reality, it was pretty much just the Goomba and that bean thing bumping into each other while spouting every playground insult they could think of.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was pretty lame actually.</em>
</p><p>The bean got up and tried to rush him again. Goomba stepped sideways; the bean flew off balance and pathetically teetered on one foot. Goomba charged at him with an even harder tackle and knocked him on the ground. The bean's leg twisted something funny and a sharp whimper told Goomba he wasn't getting up soon. So much for his trash talk.</p><p>
  <em>Wow, talk about anti-climatic. I want my paycheck back, y'all.</em>
</p><p>Goomba took a few steps backward. "Well, well well," he said.</p><p>"Shut the fuck up. Your stupid ass already won. Just fucking KO me already. Man, I can't believe I lost to a fucking shroom. Guess I can't do anything. Fuck me."</p><p>He continued his rambling, but it didn't get to Goomba nearly as much now. All he needed to do now was secure the win... But how?</p><p>"Come on, man, think! I'll need something… distinct. Different. Something… me." But what. His facial expression sorrowed. He had ideas for ultimate attacks, plenty of them. Great ideas too. Only problem was, none of them were things he could actually do. Not unless he could suddenly transform Super Sayian.</p><p>All he got was a lot of memories of Mario stomping on him, punching, kicking, burning, jumping on or otherwise hurting Goombas. He cringed. Why was this all he could think of again? He tried to shove them out, yet it persisted. Just Mario jumping, stomping… just jumping... Stomping… wait…</p><p>Goomba grinned. YES. It was perfect. It was the only choice. He slowly turned his entire body to the bean. "Witness..." He stuck his head up. "...THE HEADBONK!"</p><p>"..."</p><p>"Not yet copyrighted."</p><p>"Seriously? That's your ultimate?"</p><p>"...Yeah. What's wrong with it?"</p><p>"ANYBODY can 'HEADBONK' people."</p><p>"..I'm not sure about that..." said Goomba, not without a bit of fluster.</p><p>"Haven't you played Paper Mario?"</p><p>"... Uhhh... not yet-"</p><p>"Like, two other Goombas came up with that 'headbonk' thing first. If you're doing what I'm thinking you gon do. You are, aren't you?"</p><p>Goomba tried to respond, but couldn't get out more than a stammer. So he rushed forward, leapt 4 times his body height and plummeted on the obnoxious bean headfirst with enough force to rip his body apart, spraying blood everywhere and staining his body a lovely red. Goomba bounced off the floor, rolled on his feet and shook the blood out of his eyes.</p><p>The blood clung to him like he just got out the swimming pool. He glanced at his blood-soaked body, then at the red liquid death underneath him, then at the bean's separated corpse.</p><p>A good few seconds passed; His head began clearing up and his heart rate slowed to something close to normal. And then it hit him.</p><p>"Oh..." he looked underneath his legs again; he felt a dizzy feeling in his head. And then he screamed.</p><p>"Oh god... I...I thought he'd just get knocked out!…t-that's how it always works in videogames!..."</p><p>For better or worse, this was the first time he'd ever killed anyone, and it was a bit to take in. Not that he felt sorry for the bean thing or anything, he was a douche. Plus it looked pretty awesome. (Too bad you weren't there.)</p><p>All things considered, he was taking it pretty well. "Okay... He had it coming. He was picking fights." He took some slow, frantic breaths. "Yeah, yeah. Self-defense. That's all it was." Goomba silently accepted his story. He took a few more breaths and continued east. "Sides, there weren't any witnesses. Nobody's gonna know..."</p><p>He took a step forward. Just so long as he found something to clean himself with.</p><p>And there was nothing. Not even a waterfall this time. Time to keep walking. He took one last sweeping glance at the ground, the bean's two halves, and his own body, and walked away, feeling a twinge in his chest.</p><p>"How does Mario do it?"</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>MEANWHILE...</em> </strong>
</p><p>Just a few miles ahead, there was a group of four more Goombas. Three of them were sitting down, not paying much mind to the fourth one. He was standing on a rock, trying to instill confidence in the others.</p><p>"Okay guys, I know we've shoved this to the back long enough. But trust me, it's important. We need one of those, uh, 'leader' people."</p><p>The three didn't respond, the one in the back even began kicking dust.</p><p>"Oh yeah, cool."</p><p>"Yeah, so let's look over what makes a leader good. Let's see, uh... He'd need to be smart... Uh, charming... uh... rational..."</p><p>"And he should totes be able to get us laid."</p><p>Half-hearted chuckles abound.</p><p>"Haha, yeah. Yeah."</p><p>"Good one."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>"Hahaha. But uh, I'm being serious here. Anybody up for the task?"</p><p>Crickets.</p><p>"Well, sure can't be me. That stuff takes responsibility, right?" That Goomba from before chuckled.</p><p>"Yeah.."</p><p>"Damn," said another Goomba. "Count me out. Maybe you could do it?" He turned to the last one.</p><p>"Oh, so I'm just your third choice?"</p><p>"...Umm..."</p><p>"Then no."</p><p>"Buddy, that's not what I'm.."</p><p>"Guys, GUYS, let's kick it down a bit, huh?" said the first Goomba. "Alright? Let's just... think a little here. I know we ain't good at that, but who knows, maybe something will hit you."</p><p>"Sure."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>"You do that."</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>In the distance...</em>
</p><p>Goomba saw 4 shapes in the distance. He stopped dead in his tracks.</p><p>"W..what? M...more?" he asked. He squinted his eyes. Yep. Sure looked like 4 more beans.</p><p>This had to be a joke. He just barely won against the first one, and now, here were 4 more, just waiting to mob him. Goomba's forehead began clamping up with sweat; too bad he couldn't wipe any of it off.</p><p>
  <em>I'm dead. For real this time.</em>
</p><p>The conflicted feelings reawakened. He sat on the floor.</p><p>Maybe I could walk back?</p><p>He sat down a little longer. He made up his mind, forced his body up.</p><p>
  <em>I'm doing good. </em>
</p><p>He put himself on his feet and turned to the beans. <em>Let's just try to keep it going.</em></p><p>Goomba smiled. <em>Yeah.</em></p><p>He sprinted towards the shapes, ignoring his pounding chest as he gathered all his strength to do an even more powerful headbonk.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>MEANWHILE...</em> </strong>
</p><p>"I get it, being a leader's hard. And I know, we ain't cut out for it."</p><p>"Seconded."</p><p>"Thirded."</p><p>"But there has to be somebody qualified enough."</p><p>The Goomba looked up. "...Hey dude."</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>"Look above you."</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>The first of the Goombas looked around him and realized a shadow was covering him, expanding by the second. He looked above him, a little too late. "Whu-AAAH"</p><p>Our Goomba crushed him. Like the bean creature, no contest; his body ripped apart and his blood splattered across the cliff walls, the floor and the bodies of our Goomba and the other three Goombas.</p><p>"How you like me now, bitch?!" he yelled. He stamped on a bloody piece of skin multiple times, letting his adrenaline surge down til he was calm again.</p><p>"Wait... That's.." he took his foot off the skin and noticed it was dark brown. His throat clenched. He shifted his eyes and noticed the brown Goomba shoes in the bloodpile. His face turned pale.</p><p>Oh no... These guys weren't beans after all. No, he just killed one of his own. He messed up again. He looked up and noticed the three gore-soaked, mildly surprised Goombas all staring at him. Just perfect.</p><p>"Uh… h-hey t-there, g-guys…"</p><p>
  <strong>TO BE CONTINUED?</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And so it ends. If you read to this point, you rock, dude (or dudette). And you might have noticed the '?' at the end of the "To Be Continued". Lemme explain. This was a fun little experiment, but I'm not sure whether I want to continue. This will probably stay a one-off, but I'm not marking it such yet. If I feel 'the mood' again, who knows what could happen. In any case, my door's always open.</p><p>    But in the meantime, thanks for sticking with me to the end of my latest creative exercise. (Unless ya just scrolled to the bottom. I see ya. You ain't slick).</p><p>    YoungMetaWeegee, out.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Switch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Mario Bros. go from one awesome adventure to one decidedly less awesome adventure.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yep, I decided to return to this story. Honestly, I wasn't planning to at first. But my friend was curious to see my take on the "other side of the story", so to speak. And honestly, so was I. So here we go. Last chapter was a take on the intro of Minion's Quest, this is a take on the start of the main quest. That's all I really had to say, so yeah. Let's just get started.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a peaceful day in the Mushroom Kingdom. Toad children were running around, playing hopscotch, shooting hoops on the blacktop, swimming, playing tag, chasing the ice cream truck. Summer things.</p><p>But this is not their story. You don't see anybody making a world famous series of games about them, do you? That's right. They don't.</p><p>Rather, we will go somewhere else.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>Mario Bros' Pad, Morning</em> </strong>
</p><p>The door to the Bro's home rattled. A second later, the knob turned and in came the residents, home from their latest epic adventure.</p><p>"Hello, dear-a ol' house of mine-a. Oh, how I missed you-a." Mario Mario, the Kingdom hero, held his arms open like he was trying to hug the house.</p><p>"I'll second that-a," said a higher voice. Of course, Luigi Mario. The green-clad plumber hugged the lamp by the door. "Home sweet-a home."</p><p>Home sweet home indeed. A five star hotel their house ain't, but they liked the modesty. It was warm, clean, and had enough room for their belongings.</p><p>"Taking over hotels-a? What an idiot-a," said Mario. He plopped himself on the couch and reached for the TV remote.</p><p>Luigi sat on the couch too. "I thought it was funny-a."</p><p>"Yeah, of <em>course</em> you would-a, weirdo," said Mario. He turned on the TV.</p><p>"Better than kidnapping the Princess again-a," chuckled Luigi.</p><p>"True-a." Mario smirked and kept thumbing through channels. "He needs some new ideas-a."</p><p>Luigi kicked off his shoes, put his feet on the table and yawned. "Good plan or not-a, we did it-a, bro-a." He put his arms together and cracked his knuckles.</p><p>Mario hurled their suitcase on the couch and turned around. "Yep, we done did-a."</p><p>So they just sat.</p><p>And sat some more.</p><p>"Mario-a?" asked Luigi.</p><p>"Hm?" Mario mumbled, still flipping channels.</p><p>"I've been wondering, y'know-a. Since Bowser's uh, outta commission-a now... uh.."</p><p>Luigi thought for a second. Mario stared at him. "...you um..."</p><p>"Just say it-a," muttered Mario.</p><p>"...got something you want to do-a?" finished Luigi.</p><p>Mario shot him a confused look.</p><p>"You know-a, something special?... Like-a, maybe we could just-a take a break for a week and treat ourselves-a, you know? I think we deserve a little vacation-a!" Luigi's voice perked up. "We could go to Isle Delfino-a! Y'know, eat some good-a seafood, ride the roller coasters-"</p><p>"But not in that order-a," interrupted Mario.</p><p>"Huh?.. Oh yeah-a. Definitely not-a. We could..."</p><p>His older twin yawned and stretched his arms. "Bro, all that-a sounds great-a. It really does-a. But I've already got a perfect idea-a."</p><p>"..see some of the local sights-You do-a? What is it?" asked Luigi.</p><p>"Oh you'll see-a... Just uh, close your eyes-a..."</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>LATER...</em> </strong>
</p><p>A private Shy Girl stripper was giving Mario a striptease on the couch, vaulting her, er, "assets" over Mario's fully clothed body. Mario leaned into his pillow and did a V Sign with his right hand.</p><p>"Good enough?" she asked.</p><p>"You know what?" said Mario, trying to make eye contact. "Just... Uh... move it a lil bit-yeahh, stay there-a. Don't do-a anything... that's perfect-a..."</p><p>"Oh okay," said Luigi in a half-sigh. He sat on the other end of the couch, watching in half interest.</p><p>"What-a? This is-a my perfect vacation."</p><p>"Yeah, but-a... I kinda wanted to do-a something together for once-a."</p><p>The stripper leaned into Mario's lap again.</p><p>"Yeeeahhh... Come closer..."</p><p>"That'll be extra..."</p><p>"Aw-a..."</p><p>"I just wish... Well..." started Luigi.</p><p>Mario wasn't listening, he was too zoned-out now.</p><p>"...Can I have a turn-a?" asked Luigi.</p><p>"Yeah, sorry bro-a. I paid for... Uhh.." Mario frowned and looked up to the stripper.</p><p>"12 hours," said the stripper. "I mean, 12 long, <em>sexyyy</em> hours," she continued in a unconvincing sexy sprawl.</p><p>"...Yeah, that-a."</p><p>"...You aren't even doing anything."</p><p>"Yeah I know-a. It's driving her crazy-a. It's part of the whole game-a. It makes 'em wonder, 'What's he gonna do next-a?'"</p><p>"..."</p><p>"...Okay, fine-a. I couldn't pay-a for full contact-a."</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>Much later, in the morning.</em> </strong>
</p><p>"Mama-mia..." The Mushroom Kingdom Hero opened his eyes halfway, just faintly making out the ceiling.</p><p><em>Where the hell am I?</em> He put a hand on his now sore and aching head. He forced himself to sit up and looked at himself. Even though his vision was blurry, he still saw he was naked from at least the waist up. Maybe more, he wasn't sure, the blanket covered him up pretty good. Man, this sucked. Didn't matter how many times it happened.</p><p>"W..ha..." He blinked twice and shook his head.</p><p>"Hey Mario!"</p><p>"Oh-Oh-a were you still sleeping-a?" Luigi waved his arms. "Sorry if I woke you-a up-"</p><p>Mario shook his head. As best as he could, anyways.</p><p>"Oh, good-a. You've been out-a forever, bro... and you're <em>super-a</em> hungover," Luigi said between bites of toaster waffle.</p><p>Mario glanced at the floor and saw pieces of an Italian beer near the couch. Ohhh yeahhhh... <em>that's</em> why he didn't drink much... No wonder he felt like roadkill.</p><p>"Did... Did I finish first?"</p><p>Luigi's eyebrow arched. "Uh.."</p><p>"D-Did I?"</p><p>Luigi cast an aside glance at the wall.</p><p>"...Y-yeah," he said a few seconds later. "Sure. You did."</p><p>The drunken Mario grinned. "Ye-eeah, boyyyy..." he held out his hand for a fist bump. Luigi shrugged and returned it. Around that time, the stripper walked down. She was wearing a cute red sweater, which hung a bit tightly to her chest, because stripper.</p><p>"Hey Mario." She yawned and rubbed her eyes.</p><p>"Hey.. lil mama... last night... it was bomb-a..."</p><p>Her eyes darted back. "Yeah. Totally..." she said.</p><p>"It was awesome-a... y'know, jumping in the.. warp pipe..."</p><p>The Shy Girl blushed and looked away. Likewise Mario did the same.</p><p>"Wait... that wasn't a good one-a... lemme... uh... try again. Uh..."</p><p>He tried to come up with a better pun for a few seconds, but his mind blanked out. "Well, uh.. you know-a, what I was talking about-a."</p><p>"Yeah, about that... no, you... didn't," the embarrassed Shy Girl said.</p><p>"...We... didn't-a?"</p><p>She looked at the floor and sighed. "I mean, yeah we did. Sure. We... banged," she lied.</p><p>Mario smiled. "Hell yeah-a, we did... run it all-a by me again..."</p><p><em>Oh man</em>, muttered the Shy Girl. "Okay, uh, first we-"</p><p>"Hey, miss-a?" asked Luigi. "We have a child here. Please don't, y'know, get into details. I'm sure they're hot and all that, but..."</p><p>"Oh you do? So sorry, I had no idea-"</p><p>Her peripheral vision caught the Mario Bros' young dinosaur adopted pet/son, Yoshi. He was lying face down on the kitchen floor, eating some of his Goomba Food out of a bowl.</p><p>"Oh my god!" She put her hands to her head and squeed. "Is that a Yoshi?!"</p><p>"...Yeah-a," said Luigi.</p><p>"Can I hug him?"</p><p>Luigi scratched his head. "Uh..."</p><p>She hugged Yoshi anyways. He couldn't help but look insanely confused. "I just met <em>a real live Yoshi</em>!</p><p>"Yeah, you did..."</p><p>"I'm gonna tell everyone man."</p><p>She skipped out the door, humming a merry tune as she got in the car with her girls.</p><p>Luigi chuckled as he watched the car speed away. After it disappeared, he turned back to his brother, who had finally forced himself up. Mario yawned and returned Luigi's glance.</p><p>"What you gonna do now-a, Mario?"</p><p>"I dunno.. shower-a, I guess..."</p><p>"...Good idea." Luigi chuckled and went to the coffee machine and got some coffee.</p><p>"Geez-a, I think I sweated a mountain-a," muttered Mario.</p><p>"You might want some of this too-a." Luigi handed Mario the coffee.</p><p>Mario tumbled on the floor.</p><p>"..Yeah, I'll just-a leave this on the bathroom sink-a."</p><p>"Thanks-a..."</p><p>"Y'know, I also added that half and half-a. I know you like that-a."</p><p>Luigi stood around and waited for his brother to respond. He didn't.</p><p>"Okay," sighed Luigi. "If you need me-a, I'll be cleaning some of my clothes-a. Just rank as hell, man. Want me to do yours too-a?"</p><p>"Sure-a..."</p><p>"Okay. Where did you put your cap again-a?"</p><p>"In front of the couch-a..."</p><p>"Thanks-a."</p><hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>A FEW MINUTES LATER...</strong> </em>
</p><p>The washing machine was broken, so Luigi had to do it by hand. No matter, that was his preferred method of cleaning anyway. After meticulously scrubbing his and Mario's clothes, he hung them on a clothesline while humming the overworld theme of Super Mario World.</p><p>His ear picked up footsteps in the distance; he stopped mid-hum and cupped his hands to his ear.</p><p>The footsteps came closer. He turned to the gate. To his surprise, tonight's visitor was...</p><p>"It's ya boy, Toad!" Toad helpfully finished for me. The red-capped, blue vested Toad ran up to the green Mario Bro and slid on his knees, playing a quick air guitar solo as he skidded to a halt.</p><p>"Yo, Tooaddd!" Luigi leaned back and held up his hand. "Whats up, man? How ya been? Anything cool happen here-a?"</p><p>Toad shook his head. "Yeah.. Uh.. Nah. You my boy. You know I yo boy. but..." Toad got up. "I need your bro."</p><p>"Oh..." said Luigi. "He's in the bathroom." His head drooped. "I wouldn't bother him if I was you, though-a."</p><p>"Cool, thanks!" Toad did a thumbs up and sprinted into the house.</p><p>"Dude-" Luigi threw up his hands and returned to the clothes. Guess Toad was gonna have to find out the hard way.</p><hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>INSIDE THE HOUSE...</strong> </em>
</p><p>Toad skidded to a halt near the table. He bumped into it and knocked over a vase. "YO, MARIO!" he yelled.</p><p>The vase broke.</p><p>"Aw crap."</p><p>"DON'T COME IN-A!" yelled a faint voice from the bathroom.</p><p>"MARIO! Jumpy! Wazzup?" said Toad. "Where you at, homeboy?"</p><hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>INSIDE THE BATHROOM...</strong><br/></em>
</p><p>No, he wasn't doing <em>that</em>. The shower had done wonders. That and the coffee. Mario felt basically good as new. He wasn't quite sober, but his vision was normal and he didn't feel like a raccoon that got run over. That didn't mean he was ready for conversation.</p><p>"Go away-a!" Mario leaned against the counter and ducked into his lap. "I'm... Busy-a!"</p><p>But Toad didn't have time. Mario had to hear this. He needed to get him out. But how?</p><p><em>Oh ho ho</em>... He snickered to himself.</p><p>"Oh man, this gon be classic..." he switched to his best sappy Princess Peach impression. "Marrioo! It' me, Peeeachhh! " Hard as he tried to contain himself, he couldn't help but chuckle.</p><hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>BACK IN THE SHOWER...</strong><br/></em>
</p><p>Mario gasped. "Wah-a! G-Give me a minute-a..." Oh, mama mia! P-Peach?"</p><p>"My lovely-" Toad snickered. "-I neeeeeed yooooouuuu!'" His voice broke partway through.</p><p>"Alright-a! Come in. Just... Open the door slowly-a."</p><p>"Why?" Toad dropped the accent. "I-I mean, 'Whyyyy Marriooo?'"</p><p>"Oh you'll see-a, baby..."</p><p>Toad put a hand over his mouth and opened up the bathroom. "Suprise!..."</p><p>He got to see the plumber, and his... uh... plunger? What was he supposed to tell Mario? Didn't matter, he blanked out. Mario reacted similarly, pulling up his towel. They stared at each other for ten seconds, just making occasional awkward noises.</p><p>Mario burst towards Toad, tackled him against the floor. Toad shrieked and tried to pry 'im off to no avail.</p><p>"WHAT THE HELL-A, MAN?!" yelled Mario.</p><p>"I'MSORRYI'MSORRY-"</p><p>"You got 10 seconds to explain!" Mario yelled.</p><p>"P..Peach..." Toad coughed, fading out of consciousness fast.</p><p>Mario halted his uncharacteristically violent outburst. "Yeah-a. That was for her. 6 seconds left..."</p><p>"Peach... trouble... Bowser..."</p><p>Mario let the shroom go and ignored his head bouncing off the floor. His eyes widened and his throat closed.</p><p>"Uh... I'm not... done..."</p><p>Mario was gone.</p><p>"...That was kinda... Important..." Toad slumped on the floor and passed out.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>OUTSIDE THE HOUSE...</em> </strong>
</p><p>Luigi had finished organizing the Bro's clothes. What a chore that was. He plopped himself in his lawn chair, looked at the sky and smiled. Real peaceful day. Classic summer. Not too hot, not too sticky, just right. Not many of bugs were out. The weather you'd just want to sit and do nothing in. He closed his eyes, let his mind drift off...</p><p>"I'M COMING, PRINCESS!" yelled the Nintendo mascot, snapping Luigi awake. Luigi turned around, saw his towel-clad brother jump... on the clothesline he just hung up. For some reason.</p><p>"Huh?-" That was all Luigi got out before Mario crashed on him and the clothesline. They spun around in a miniature fight bubble; when it subsided, Mario was wearing a horribly jumbled combination of his red shirt and blue overalls on the wrong parts of his body. He didn't notice. He ran like the wind towards the princess' castle, unware that the clothesline wrapped around him was dragging his bro along for the ride.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>AT PEACH'S CASTLE...</em> </strong>
</p><p>Mario burst through the doors of Peach's castle. Fair maiden Peach lay in her throne, sobbing, powerless against the menacing King of Koopas. Mario saw Bowser, his fists clenched. He grabbed the clothesline and swung it.</p><p>"H-Hey, Mario-a? MARIO-A? What are you doing-" Luigi screamed as Mario swung the rope at Bowser. The noise alerted the Koopa King to their presence; he whipped his head around.</p><p>"Mario-" The king grunted as Luigi slammed into his face.</p><p>"What the hell was that for-" Luigi and Bowser started in unison. Mario ignored both and propelled his fists into Bowser's face.</p><p>"What, you're not even gonna wait-a anymore?" Mario continued to pummel him at rapid-fire speed. Bowser tried to swat him away.</p><p>Mario ducked. Hit 'im with a left hook. Bowser's cheek erupted in pain; he spat blood on the carpet.</p><p>"Mario-MARIO! Stop-"</p><p>Mario slammed his fist into Bowser's eye.</p><p>"Stop what-a buddy? Kicking your ass-a? Maybe when YOU stop ruining my-a vacations!"</p><p>"I'M-OW-NOT-AAGH-KID-AH-YOUR-OOF-PRINCESS-AUGH-"</p><p>Mario held Bowser up by his chin and postponed his punch. "Huh?"</p><p>"Asshole," Bowser muttered. Mario punched him.</p><p>"Ow! Okay, Okay, I WAS-"</p><p>Mario raised his fist again.</p><p>"WAS! Not anymore! Past tense!"</p><p>Mario lowered his fist. "Oh yeah-a. You just decided to stop-a." He clenched it again. "What, you think I'm stupid-a?"</p><p>"A-actually, he's telling the truth," said one of Peach's Mushroom Retainers.</p><p>Mario and Luigi both stared at him. "Really?"</p><p>"Yeah..."</p><p>"..."</p><p>"..."</p><p>"...Yeah, for real man."</p><p>"...Well, what happened-a, then?" asked Luigi, scratching his head. "Can you-a, y'know, 'dump it on us-a'?"</p><p>"Well uh... I'm better at just stabbing things, but why not. Yeah. Sure. It was 8:00. We all chilling. We here, we're waiting for the Beanbean ambassadors to come so we can start our union-"</p><p>"That was today?" Mario scratched his head.</p><p>"...Yeah," said the Retainer.</p><p>"..."</p><p>"Anyways. They say they wanna ally with us and all that. They lie. Know what they did?" He folded his arms.</p><p>"What-a?" asked Mario.</p><p>"Stole her voice..."</p><p>"..."</p><p>"..."</p><p>"...Stole... her... voice-a?" Mario put his hand on his head.</p><p>"Why-a?" asked Luigi.</p><p>"I don't get it neither man." The Retainer chucked. "But they went 'round and replaced it with... uh..."</p><p>Peach sobbed harder and her speech materialized into a speech bubble. The others arched their eyes. The bubble turned into a whole lotta... Bombs?</p><p>"Are those bombs-a?" Luigi stupidly asked.</p><p>They fell to the floor and exploded, set the floor on fire. Everybody backed away. The brothers stared wide-eyed, unable to think of anything to say.</p><p>"Right on my scheduled kidnapping day," said Bowser. He gritted his teeth.</p><p>Before anybody else could comment, Peach's speech bubbles grew extra large. Everybody looked up and grew wide eyed.</p><p>"Oh damn," said Mario.</p><p>Everybody made a break for the door, excluding Peach, who was still sobbing, and the Mushroom Retainer.</p><p>"Make an explosion if I can quit my job," said the Retainer.</p><p>The first bomb fell to the floor and blew out a window and set the dining table on fire.</p><p>"Sweet."</p><hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>PEACH'S CASTLE, EXTERIOR</strong> </em>
</p><p>Mario, Luigi and Bowser sat back to back, watching Peach's castle burn.</p><p>"Wow, I can't believe it's still burning," said Bowser.</p><p>Silence. "Yeah," said Mario.</p><p>The three watched the firemen try to put out the fire, even though all that was left was framework.</p><p>"It's like the Kingdoms lost some of it's soul," said Luigi. He wiped a tear from his eye. "Man, I can't believe it-a. That thing was the image of the whole kingdom-a, and somebody just... destroyed it for her stupid voice-a..." Luigi wiped another tear. "I'm not good-a at giving ceremonial speeches-a!..." he burst into tears.</p><p>"It blows." said Bowser. He put a hand around Luigi's back.</p><p>"Blows so hard."</p><p>They watched a fireman trying to put out a fire on his shirt.</p><p>"How the hell am I supposed to kidnap her now?..."</p><p>Mario sighed.</p><p>"...I'm kidding." Bowser added. Fingers crossed.</p><p>"Sure-a," said Mario. "And I'm-a kidding when I say I'll keep-a kicking yo ass-a."</p><p>"Whatever," grumbled Bowser.</p><p>The trio heard soft footsteps approaching; they turned and saw Peach's servant, Toadsworth, walking with his cane and readjusting his monicles. Even though he was well in his 70s, he never lost that vigor in his step.</p><p>"Greetings, Master Mario Brothers!" He looked at Bowser. "And you too, I suppose."</p><p>"That's <em>King</em> Bowser to you."</p><p>Mario sighed. "Hey old man, whats up?" he said, narrowing his eyes.</p><p>"It would be amiss if I didn't inquire to your present arrangements."</p><p>Mario scratched his head. "My... yeah. I got one of-a... those.."</p><p>"...Your plan, Master Mario."</p><p>"I..I knew that-a."</p><p>"...To rescue our fair Kingdom from our Princess' blight."</p><p>"Yeah..." moaned Mario. "I don't got one-a."</p><p>Toadsworth's eyes widened. "No plan? You mean, you aren't going to-"</p><p>"Hey, hey, <em>hey-a</em>. I never said that-a... I'm just-a..." Mario put a hand to his head. "Tired..."</p><p>Toadsworth's eyes quivered. He sighed and continued "Master? Toadstool was discussing giving you something... 'extra' this time," he lied.</p><p>Mario's mouth opened. "Uh... huh. C-Cool-a. I..." Damn, did his head always feel this moist? He tried to play it cool but nobody bought it.</p><p>Toadsworth chuckled. "And here's a little extra treat for the two of you." He handed over 100 Mushroom Coins.</p><p>"...Oh.. maaan-a." Mario sighed. He turned to Bowser. "Wow. I.. I guess we're... Working together. Again."</p><p>"Huh?!" said Bowser, raising his fist.</p><p>"Well.. You've got the ship-a... and you had nothing to do with this-a, you say..." Mario sighed. "I just thought-a..."</p><p>"Mmmn..." Bowser's put his hand on his head and looked away from Mario. "If we are, at least put your damn clothes on right."</p><p>"Huh?" Turns out Mario never put his clothes on correctly. He looked at himself. "Man." He chuckled. "So I beat you-a up looking like-a this?"</p><p>"Please don't," growled Bowser.</p><p>"C'mon man, that was boss-a... Well, I guess not for you-a but... Uh.. sorry-a?"</p><p>"Shut up."</p><p>"...Alright, geez-a." Mario turned to Luigi and Bowser. "So it's settled? I'll just go get my stuff."</p><p>"Meet me back here at uh..." Bowser looked at his watch. "8..9-ish. My ship will be in front of the castle."</p><p>"Alright," said Mario.</p><p>"Engine powered." Bowser scratched his arm. "Got my face on it. Shoots flames out the rear. Can't miss it-"</p><p>"I know what your Doomship looks like-"</p><p>"Doomship?" asked Bowser.</p><p>"Come on, Luigi-a," said Mario. He nudged his still crying brother.</p><p>"I'd like to stay here-a actually." Luigi wiped the tears. "Help everyone move on-a. That's... what a hero would do-a, right-a?" Luigi's voice broke. "Yeah-a, I think so..."</p><p>"Yeah whatever," said Mario, not really listening. He scooped up the coins, put them in his pocket and started to trudge back home.</p><p>"...I wasn't talking about my Doomship," muttered Bowser.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>LATER...</em> </strong>
</p><p>It was 9 PM now. Mario returned to the wreckage of Peach's Castle underneath a shiny night sky. Full moon. The tired plumber rubbed his eyes and started walking to the ship.</p><p>"Hey Luigi, I got yours too."</p><p>"Huh?"</p><p>"I said, I got your suitcase-a."</p><p>"Oh. Thanks, big bro. But uh, I'm not coming."</p><p>Mario looked at him unamused.</p><p>"I told you-a man. I'm helping everyone move on-a."</p><p>Mario glared at him.</p><p>"'Sides, you don't need me anyways-a. You got this-a!"</p><p>Mario still glared.</p><p>"I appreciate the effort-"</p><p>Mario threw Luigi's suitcase at him and walked to the cruiser, fuming a bit.</p><p>Luigi opened his mouth and forgot what he wanted to say.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>LATER...</em> </strong>
</p><p>Mario was on the Koopa Cruiser now, after collecting some items on the castle grounds and other boring things you wouldn't want me to describe.</p><p>"You're late," said Bowser.</p><p>"I know-a." Mario looked at the Koopa Cruiser.</p><p>"What the hell were you doing?"</p><p>"And uh, what is this-a?" Mario ignored Bowser.</p><p>"What... is what?" Bowser scratched his head.</p><p>"This thing we're on... uh your... ship-a... It..." Mario shook his head. "It don't look-a like your Doomship-a."</p><p>Bowser broke into a cheesy smile. "That's cause it ain't."</p><p>"Yeah, that's... what I guessed."</p><p>"Guess what it is."</p><p>Mario didn't.</p><p>"Please?..."</p><p>Mario didn't.</p><p>"Looks like you want me to just tell you. Fine by me! Its my..."</p><p>Bowser did a mini drumroll thing with his hands.</p><p>"...My Koopa Cruiser! My own royal party ship! See, look at this, man!"</p><p>Mario stared at the ship. It was blue and had Bowser's face on the front.</p><p>"Yeah-a... It sure is... a ship-a..."</p><p>Bowser's smile turned into a frown. "I thought you'd think it was cool.."</p><p>"I guess it's... kinda cool-a..." Mario lied.</p><p>"Kinda?" Bowser sighed. "W-What about, er, the... wheels. The.. color... the face thingy on the front..."</p><p>"I mean... I kinda wanted to ride in your Doomship..."</p><p>"..Well... you kinda destroyed my Doomship."</p><p>Mario raised his eyebrows.</p><p>"...Last week. When we did that thing with the... you remember."</p><p>"Oh yeah... the hotels."</p><p>"So we doing this?"</p><p>Mario sighed. "Who's gonna bed her first."</p><p>Bowser blushed. "Woah, uh, asking the real questions, huh." He fidgeted and started stammering.</p><p>"Uhhh... we'll cross that bridge when we reach it." Before Mario could press on, Bowser screamed "TROOPS! Prepare for blastoff!"</p><p>Mario and Bowser turned to the courtyard and waited.</p><p>And waited.</p><p>"Hey, the assembly line's over here!" yelled Bowser.</p><p>Much to Mario's surprise, a unit of Koopa soldiers leapt out of the bushes around the castle. "SIR!" they yelled in unison. They assembled, in groups of 5. Except the last group had one missing person.</p><p>"Did Joanne get lost again?..." asked Bowser.</p><p>"Yeah sir," said one of the Koopas in the front.</p><p>Bowser facepalmed. "Whatever. He's on his own now." He took his hand off his face. "Get on, the rest of you. Don't say another word."</p><p>The troops got on board without another word. That was that til Bowser saw Luigi waving goodbye with his cap. Bowser's evil senses started tingling; the king rubbed his arms and grew a smile befitting the devil. He turned to Mario, leaned into his ear.</p><p>"Watch this," he whispered. "Hey! You!" he yelled, turning to Luigi.</p><p>Luigi stopped waving and looked around him. He turned to Bowser and pointed at himself.</p><p>"Yeah you. Green Stache! What the hell are you doing?"</p><p>"I...I'm waving goodbye-a..."</p><p>"Are you sure about that? 'Cause it looked an awful lot like you're trying to join the Koopa Troop."</p><p>Luigi's eyes widened. "HELL NAW!"</p><p>"Aw, don't be modest! Everyone's welcome here!" said Bowser in a singsongy voice. "Welcome aboard, Green Stache!"</p><p>Luigi stood slack-jawed.</p><p>"Yeah... Yeah I am! You... you got it sir!" Luigi backed away. "Just... gotta get my... my..." Luigi stopped and put his hand to his chin.</p><p>"..."</p><p>"...Your?..." asked Bowser.</p><p>Luigi turned and started sprinting. He jumped over a bush and blazed through the streets of Toad Town.</p><p>"We got a runner!" yelled Bowser. He put down the megaphone and nudged Mario's shoulder. "Check this out."</p><p>Mario did, after a second of self reflection. "Initiate Cruiser pursuit!" yelled Bowser. The Cruiser took off and easily caught up to Luigi. A hole opened up in the ships underbelly. Much to the Bros' surprise, an extendable hand reached out of said hole and scooped up Luigi. It retracted back into the ship, carrying the kicking and screaming plumber with it.</p><p>Bowser turned to Mario. "So?..."</p><p>"I... I liked that-a." said Mario. "I just wonder why you never did that to take Peach..."</p><p>Pause. Bowser slammed his fist down and cursed violently.</p><p>"Yeah-a, that would have been pretty awesome-a."</p><p>"Please, just go to the hold," said Bowser.</p><p>"Yeah alright-a." Mario walked to the cabin doors.</p><p>"Oh, don't go that way."</p><p>Mario stopped midstep. "Why-a?"</p><p>"I've got a shortcut for you. Just stay right there."</p><p>"Okay-a?..."</p><p>Bowser pressed a button, and a trapdoor opened underneath him. Yet Mario didn't fall down? He just stood over the hole?</p><p>"...Look down," he told Mario.</p><p>Mario did. Gravity turned on and he fell screaming into the cargo hold.</p><p>"So STUPID!" Bowser put his hand over his mouth and started laughing.</p><hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>INSIDE THE CARGO HOLD...</strong> </em>
</p><p>Mario and Luigi lay on the wooden floor of the cramped, worn and not very festive looking cargo hold of Bowser's "party ship" for the better part of an hour.</p><p>"Hey, Luigi-"</p><p>Luigi let out a long sigh and buried his head in his lap. "I'm not in the mood-a bro."</p><p>Mario sighed. "I was just asking if you packed a Switch charger."</p><p>Luigi sighed again. "Yeah, I got you-a." He got in his suitcase and handed it over.</p><p>"Thanks-a."</p><p>Luigi tried to sleep, but before he could the intercom turned on. Not that the water stains on the floor would have been great to sleep in anyways.</p><p>"...Shut up dude, I didn't hit my ex."</p><p>Mario and Luigi's jaws dropped. They diverted their gaze to the mic and waited for the next words.</p><p>"Yeah. Bring it up while I'm turning on the damn mic. Doucheface."</p><p>The other guy said something the bros couldn't make out.</p><p>"Piss off. Alright?... Hey Mario?... His bro... Uh..."</p><p>"Luigi," said Luigi.</p><p>"Ruigi. Yeah. Both of you. Report to deck, please. No really, right now. Not a drill."</p><p>The bros looked confused. "But we're not supposed to be in the kingdom for..." Luigi checked his watch. "Another half hour-a."</p><p>"Yeah but Bowser needs you two. Now."</p><p>Luigi sighed. "Alright."</p><p>"And uh, did you two hear anything else before I started talking?"</p><p>"No-a," the bros lied.</p><p>The mic turned off, and Mario and Luigi turned to each other, still not sure what in the hades was going on.</p><p>"Let's-a goooo?" said Luigi.</p><p>"Okie-dokie, I guess..." responded his brother. They reluctantly got up and headed to the top.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>MEANWHILE...</em> </strong>
</p><p>I got tired of following the bros. So let's introduce ourselves to our villains. Our weird, green skinned villians.</p><p>Cackletta. Evil bean witch, about 7 feet tall, give or take some inches. Dressed in a purple silk cloak from the neck down to her legs, which brought out her green skin color. A cruel smile that showed off her numerous jagged teeth decorated her face. She sat cross legged in her purple hovercraft, contemplating her latest victory.</p><p>Trailing behind her was another weird green bean thing. Fawful. He lacked his companion's imposing height, being a paltry 4 something feet. He was flying with some self-built headgear with twin rocket thrusters on both sides and a glass dome in the middle which held the freshly snatched voice of Peach. Seemed to have an unnatural, freakishly wide smile 24/7.</p><p>"Soon," proclaimed the witch, "we'll have the Beanstar. Yes, we shall."</p><p>She laughed maniacally. Or at least tried to, she was still working on a good laugh.</p><p>"How was that one?"</p><p>"Pretty good..." Fawful said. Though his uneasy expression told Cackletta the real answer.</p><p>Cackletta rubbed the Indian-style blue bead on her forehead. "I thought that would be the one." She grumbled something and kept cruising.</p><hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>BACK ON THE KOOPA CRUISER...</strong> </em>
</p><p>"Why do I have to be-a lookout?" whined Luigi, hanging by his legs on a crane hoisted above the Koopa Cruiser deck, scouring the purple, midnight sky with some rusted old binoculars. How did he get stuck there? Something embarrassing in the underbellys that I'm sure he wouldn't want me to repeat.</p><p>"Cause you're the idiot who got stuck on the crane, wussface," said Bowser. "Now shut up and do your job before I torch ya."</p><p>"Whatever-a," said Luigi. "It's nighttime. What am I even looking for-a?..." His eyes bugged out.</p><p>"Hey, bro-a? What's up-a?" said Mario. "You look scared-a. More than usual-a."</p><p>"Nice," snickered Bowser.</p><p>"I'm not scared-a!" said Luigi.</p><p>"Eh? What's with all the hoopla?" said Bowser. He turned back to the coast and saw something. "What in the..."</p><hr/><p>"Miss?" said Fawful. "That ugly ship behind us is catching up..."</p><p>"Ship?" She turned around and noticed the Koopa Cruiser. "Well, does it look like they're following us?"</p><p>Fawful nodded.</p><p>Cackletta sighed, just as the ship finally caught up and she got to see the confused faces of the brothers and Bowser.</p><p>"Uh... Heh heh..." She cleared her throat and resumed with a much more fierce and commanding tone of voice - "Who would have thought you'd ever catch up to the Great Cackletta in a million..." She put up a finger to her lips. "uh...oh-billion years?" Not missing a beat.</p><p>"Who the hell are you?" Mario turned to Bowser. "You know this, uh, gremlin-looking hag over here?"</p><p>Bowser shook his head.</p><p>"Hey! I'm... I'm not that old..." she said.</p><p>Everyone on the ship stared at the odd duo.</p><p>"I mean... You three aren't gonna be foiling my plan-"</p><p>"What plan?"</p><p>Cackletta opened her mouth and made a tiny noise. She mentally kicked herself.</p><p>"...N-Nothing, just-"</p><p>"We aren't getting the Beanbean star-"</p><p>Cackletta glared at him and mouthed Stop.</p><p>Bowser noticed her vacuum. "Wait... You're the one that stole Peach's voice!"</p><p>"Great job," muttered Cackletta.</p><p>"Fawful will hold them back, sweet lord Cack-"</p><p>"Cut the flattery, just kill their asses."</p><p>Fawful paused. "Chortles."</p><p>Cackletta muttered "God" and left.</p><hr/><p>"I have fury!" yelled Fawful.</p><p>"Yeah, you've only said it like five times," muttered Bowser.</p><p>"So are you actually gonna do anything-a, or?..." said Mario. "Because getting talked down to-a by a mutant... Bean-a... freak thingy isn't on my to do list-a, now or ever."</p><p>Though the bean's smile didn't falter, his eyebrows drooped like flowers.</p><p>"I HAVE FURY!" He repeated, louder than before. The two thrusters on his headgear creaked up, turned front forwards, and began glowing light green. They blasted twin energy balls at the unaware Bowser, blasting him a few feet back and making him bleed slightly.</p><p>The explosion also freed Luigi from the claws, who fell face first on the deck.</p><p>"Ow-a."</p><p>"Taste the fury of Fawful's CANNONS OF SHILLING!"</p><p>Mario opened his eyes and chuckled. "Hey, uh, I know-a I was just ragging on you-a... but that was pretty cool-a."</p><p>Fawful beamed up, Bowser groaned.</p><p>"Do it again-a," said Mario.</p><p>"...Uh, sure."</p><p>Fawful shot Bowser again. More blood came out the wound.</p><p>"O-one more time-a."</p><p>"You suck-"</p><p>Bowser got cut off by one more blast.</p><p>"I did not think the mighty Koopa King would be subdued so easily."</p><p>"Well, I did already kinda punch 'im out earlier."</p><p>"Heh."</p><p>Pause.</p><p>"Yeah-a. It was awesome-a. Messed him up-a good."</p><p>The two stood around pacing.</p><p>"...You're stalling!"</p><p>"'Staling'. That would mean I'm scared-a of you-"</p><p>"Taste my MUSTARD OF DOOM!"</p><p>Mario and Luigi shot each other a confused look.</p><p>"TASTE THE FURY!"</p><p>He started charging his cannon, but before he could do anything, Mario leaped on his head, kicking him to the deck. He then landed on Fawful and pinned him to the ground with both hands.</p><p>"Ow..." said Fawful.</p><p>"So, uhh, bean-a thing. You gonna keep-a running your mouth-a, or?... Because your entire existence-a pisses me off-a. Now uh, kindly hop-a back to your dinner plate-a."</p><p>"B-But that's not how... The game's played... I.. I'm supposed to attack... Then you attack... T-then..."</p><p>Mario looked at him like he was speaking another language.</p><p>"T-That's how it happened in Final Fantasy..."</p><p>"..."</p><p>"So we isn't in a scripted attack route?" said Fawful, picking himself back up.</p><p>"...No..." yelled Mario, getting up and starting to walk back to the hold.</p><p>"Ahh." Fawful grinned and flew in the sky. His helmet shape-shifted into a giant mouth with a perfect row of shark teeth. The mouth glowed like the cannons before did.</p><p>"Go wild... KILL THESE FINK-RATS!"</p><p>"What now-a-" started Mario.</p><p>The mouth vomited out a barrage of green energy balls, which crashed into the ship, creating miniature explosions. The Mario Bros dodged them all, backflipping over the last for extra effect.</p><p>"That everything-a?" asked Mario.</p><p>Smoke alerted them to the splotches of flame around the ship. Mario and Luigi looked at each other, then at the ship, which had suddenly stopped. The ship slowed til it came to a halt. Fawful's headgear morphed back to thrusters and the bean blasted off into the sky.</p><p>"...Oh man-a," said Mario. He and Luigi shared an uneasy glance as the ship started to tumble...</p><p>
  <strong>TO BE CONTINUED...</strong>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And that's the end of the chapter, save some improvements I'll do to the text a little later. Which one of these shorts did you like more?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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